he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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