your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
