I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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