I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
