I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
