is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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