There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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