I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
