Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
this hospital has no fireball
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
