her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
