I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
even my farts smell like vagina
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
