Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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