and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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