this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
