i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
