well you can't waste a boner
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
