All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
