I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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