The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
