That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize