based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm passing your future prison.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
