Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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