what if every blade of grass was a penis?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
