I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
