I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
