my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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