Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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