Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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