grandma shit on top of the toilet
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
