There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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