I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
