I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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