he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
