i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
