oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
