So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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