vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
