I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
