my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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