her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
