Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
