gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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