dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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