So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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