i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
