the condom got lost in my hair
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
