imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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