so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
