No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
