What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
