Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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