Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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