If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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