awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
