Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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