so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
not ubering you a puppy
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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