I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
