I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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